One of those moments...

Like seriously I'm having one of those moments in which I certainly believe that I'm not good at anything I do...
Life has been really messed up lately, and I've just grown tired of having to go out there looking for whatever I want, really tired.

I'm tired of not getting answers, of not having a definite yes or a definite no. Having me hanging out there without no answers really suck! I want my heart to work with my head, but while my head says you're not worth it and you're not for me, my heart says something else. What the matter is wrong with me? I wasn't like this. I used to be this girl that normally didn't care about anything and specially didn't care about guys. But lately this has been different. It has been different since this idea of you came to my head, this idea of 'us' that has been in my head for some time now. And I thought that after everything I did it would stop but it hasn't and I sometimes feel I just don't wanna let go but I'm still waiting for a reason for you to tell me not to. When is that day gonna come? And if it isn't coming then what do I do? What do I do for all this to stop.

I'm tired of not having something stable in my life. I'm tired of trying here and there, and not finding what I really want. Because I keep holding on to this idea about you, because I really do believe it is all an idea that has been stuck in my head. But what if it isn't? That's the dilemma, that is the problem I have to handle everyday. I want someone steady, because I've really grown tired of every fling I've had since I've got here. And there hasn't been many, because since I moved here guys are closed up just into their group of friends. And I just realized today that I really don't have my own group of friends, specially when it comes to boys. I have to meet the boys that hang out with my cousin's boyfriend whom I specially don't like. So why meet a guy that's best friend's of someone that I particularly try to stay away from. Because he really doesn't like me, so why even bother trying.

On the other hand, I'm also tired of being "the cousin of..." of not being myself, not getting people to know me by who I really am... because I'm just "the cousin of... from .." even though I've been living here for over a year.

I'm so confused, my head is so messed up and I just sometimes feel things don't always come out the way I plan them to. I just want my friends back. But the real ones that I could just call them whenever I was feeling bad or confused. And here everyone is so superficial that I really don't know who to trust, but I picked this and I really don't regret taking this desicion. It's just being hard...


So this song, describes perfectly this exact moment...
Sia couldn't said it better...